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Getting to the range Dec. 18th, 2017 @ 08:40 am
So Blindfury and I managed to get to the range as planned — the first time in just over a year for me.  I made a point of pulling out my 1911 and putting a little grease on the rails — it has been sitting for way too long — and packed everything up ready to go.  My Christmas work party was that morning/afternoon, so we didn't end up getting to the range until around 4:00.  I brought my 1911, and Blindfury brought his Ruger Blackhawk and his 10/22 takedown.

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All said and done, we were there for about two hours. The range wasn't that crowded, which meant we could relax and take our time, and shoot the way we game - no particular hurry, and a fair amount of chatting and discussion related to what we're doing. All said and done we went through 50 rounds of .22 and 200 rounds of .45 - so a fair amount of shooting. But considering how rarely we've been able to make it out, I think it's worth making the trip worthwhile.
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It's been a bit Dec. 13th, 2017 @ 10:05 am
So, it's been a little while since I posted — I feel like a lot has happened, but it's all in little bits and pieces.  So here's a general "how's life".

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Something not Phoenix!Collapse )

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So a bit if a "everything but the kitchen sink" post, but I've been slacking. :-)
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Phoenix moving forward Nov. 21st, 2017 @ 09:36 am

I swear, there's more to my life than Phoenix.

Actually, maybe not.  It's something that's been on my mind a lot, as I continue therapy and work towards figuring me out.  I find that it is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life, and frankly, that both excites and scares me as it pushes me into things I never thought possible and towards things I never expected.

Last week, my therpaist had a conflict, so we ended up moving my appointment to Wednesday, and at a time that butted right against lunch.  I'd been thinking about going as Phoenix, and the timing change convinced me that I'd be able to slyly get mostly dressed, and then do stuff like makeup and finishing touches once I got there.  So I opted for my grey LLR dress, with black boots, silver earrings and necklace and minimal makeup (I didn't want to have to worry about trying to wash off eyeliner before I went back to work).  I was extremely nervous, but had committed to doing it, so I went and had my appointment as usual.

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Step Up: I hate portion control, but it's effective Nov. 2nd, 2017 @ 08:17 am
Just wanted to swing by with an update. Step Up had basically reached maintenance mode, and I've been generally happy with that as other things in life took priority. But a couple weeks ago I decided I needed to renew my efforts, to try and make that 175 goal.

And as of this morning, I'd hit another milestone - I made it below 190. I had to put another notch in my belt, I've felt my pants getting loose again, even my new 36s, and I'm reaching a point where some of my "comfy size" clothes are just too big.

And as the title hints at, this is almost all through portion control. I still walk at lunch when possible, but this latest drop in weight has been nothing but eating habits. Part of me really hates it - there's something satisfying about eating stupid amounts of food - but damned if it doesn't work.

On a side note - Ceri and I have started a few of those meal prep services - where the ingredients get shipped to your door. We both poo poo'd the idea before, but we found that what stopped us from cooking at home was that we were bad about regularly hitting the grocery store. We'd generally have the basics around, but we wouldn't have much in terms of fresh ingredients. So we'd end up ordering in or eating out all the time. Now we're cooking home more often, and the food is good and generally healthier. Sure, it's more expensive than going to the grocery store, but it's definitely cheaper (and better) than eating out all the time. I also like that the recipes are straight forward enough that I feel like I can do more of the cooking. It takes the responsibility off of Ceri, and also means that if she has to work late, the default isn't eating out.

But all in all, in extremely satisfied with my ability to lose and keep off the weight. It's basically been a year since I started this, and I'm down a solid 40 pounds, and I think I've made the habit changes necessary to keep it that way.

More Phoenix Oct. 31st, 2017 @ 03:59 pm
So aside from the last post, with getting the new therapist, I feel like there's been some major movement on the Phoenix front. It's all kind of a swirl in my head though, so I wanted to try and get it down while it was swirling.

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So yeah, A lot going on in my brain about Phoenix. I don't quite know where this is leading, if it is actually leading anywhere, but I can't help but think of all of the "I'd love to be able to do" things that I've now done. And with that, all of the things that I never though were possible seem to be within reach.
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Other entries
» Frostgrave Battle Report
Preface: So for some reason it’s basically taken me two weeks to write this. I know blindfury has already covered this, but I still wanted to get my two cents in.

So Blindfury and I managed to put some time aside for a good game of Frostgrave. This represents round three of my Chronomancer vs his Sigilist. We continue to tweak the table – adding more terrain, and this time reducing to a 3’x3’ play area – which continues to improve the overall experience. I’ve read a lot that talks about how a small, crowded table makes for the best game, and I’m inclined to believe it.

We randomly rolled another scenario – slowly working through the 10 scenarios that came in the base book. Blindfury rolled and called up the one scenario he had been fearing – The Haunted Houses. This scenario places the treasure in small huts that have a chance of spawning a wraith when you enter – and wraiths are nasty in that they can only be affected by magic attacks. But that’s what fate gave us, so we set up the table.

The first couple games we’ve played, we used the full size of my 4’x4’ table. The book for Frostgrave specifically says that you should go with a 3’x3’ table for a two player game, so this time we unrolled Blindfury’s 3’x3’ winter themed game mat, and used that as a play area.

The difference was immediately noticeable. A 3’x3’ table is only 9 square feet, compared to the 16 square feet of a 4’x4’ table, and the impact of compressing a table’s worth of scenery into half the space was immediately apparent. Our first games looked like they were taking place in a small town, with wide roads, and a relatively open space. In 3’x3’, it felt like we were in a jammed tight city – the wide roads replaced with narrow and winding alleys. It had a huge impact on line of sight and setup, and for the better.

Setup of the scenery was driven by the scenario – initially place six small roofless huts, and then fill out the table. I had recently printed six 4”x4” huts specifically for this scenario, so Blindfury and I took turns placing them. They ended up fairly evenly spaced, and we then filled in with all of my other buildings. The table ended up jammed with low ruined buildings, creating tons of alleys. There were a couple towers that created variations – one at my left edge, one at my center, one at Blindfury’s right, a short tower at his left, and a short tower at his center. We placed treasure per the scenario – one and each hut, and we both succeeded our “Reveal Secret” rolls – and let the match begin

I set up my wizard and his crew on my left and my apprentice and his crew on my right, and Blindfury mirrored my setup – placing his wizard and crew on his right and apprentice and crew on his left. Since we both passed our Reveal Secrets rolls, we each had an immediate treasure, and with the way the buildings spaced themselves, we each had a couple obvious wraith houses to plunder, with a couple in the middle up for grabs. The real question would be those wraiths – they could turn an easy grab and go into a dead henchman.

My warband is built for speed, so I tried to leverage that into as quick a push as possible, using Crumble to make for some easier access into the wraith houses, or jumping walls to try and get in and get out. Blindfury took a more elegant approach, setting up at a range and using his Marksmen to provide field denial, with his Wizard and apprentice using Telekinesis to pull treasures out and avoid the risk of wraiths.

I was able to secure two treasures quickly – I grabbed a Reveal Secret treasure, and my wizard’s Thief looted a wraith house, but Blindfury outpaced me and was able to get a quick three between Reveal Secret and Telekinesis. My Apprentice’s squad had the misfortune of finding a wraith in their first house, which meant that an easy loot for me was suddenly up for grabs, as I struggled to deal with the wraith.

Once the easy treasure was gone, Blindfury gained the initiative and made a strong push towards the other treasures. My Wizard’s Treasure Hunter was moving up to grab one treasure, only to have it Telekinesised away, and Blindfury’s Apprentice was able to use a Telekinesis and grab the treasure that I couldn’t due to the wraith. Blindfury had a Treasure Hunter move after the last treasure, only to be stopped by a wraith. Some bad luck brought another wraith into the mix, which had Blindfury making the decision to draw back and be happy with the treasure he already had. Fortunately for me, once he decided to abandon that treasure the wraiths did too, allowing my Wizard to run over and make off with an unexpected bonus.

So all said and done this was a fairly harsh match – we both lost a few soldiers, and my Apprentice went down to a wraith. Blindfury managed 5 of the 8 treasures, leaving me with the other 3 – a small consolation prize for what was a generally bad match for me.

This game has several takeaways:

The first is that Blindfury and I are often left commenting on how solid the rules are. We are both so used to wargaming with grey areas, that it’s refreshing to find a game that seems to have really covered everything. The example from this game came to the wraiths – the game scenario specifically says “as soon as a member of a warband enters the hut”, so it’s very clear as to what triggers the roll for a wraith. So telekinesing a treasure out clearly does not trigger a roll, because a warband member never enters. The other rule was about melee combat – where the rules specifically say that if the winner pushes back their opponent, they are no longer in combat. This was a very crucial detail, especially when dealing with the wraiths – as it meant that even though the wraiths were hard to kill, it was still possible to win combat and disengage, allowing you to move out of combat without risk.

Despite having an absolutely terrible game, all is not lost. I’m too used to league games like Blood Bowl, where a bad game or two can mean that you are out of contention. But this game, my wizard was a higher level, but that didn’t mean I outpowered. Dice luck being what it is, the game just didn’t go well for me. But with that being said, once the match was done and loot was resolved, I’m still in a position to be competitive next match. I still gained a couple levels, and got enough in equipment and money to grow my warband.

And I can’t say enough how much better the game was on a 3’x3’ table. Having a small area chock full of terrain really changes the pace and the feel of the game. The first game in particular – our warbands didn’t intermingle much. Treasure was close enough to our respective deployment zones so that we could each safely secure the majority of it, and the fighting that happened was really on the fringes. But by shrinking the board, a lot more was at stake, and you needed to consider your opponent from the very beginning. I liked the game before, but after this last match I really have a hard time justifying playing something different.
» Another step?
So, in the ongoing growth of Phoenix, I took another step - something that I think may turn into a big step - starting tomorrow. I finally decided to look into and see a therapist that specializes in gender identity issues.

Ceri and I have been going through a lot of the changes that Phoenix brings on our own, and I certainly can't complain about the level of support I've received from her. But as I become more comfortable as Phoenix, and want to spend more time as Phoenix, it's clear that there are issues that we are going to run in to that really need an outside perspective. I feel like we've done a good job of feeling our way through things, but I feel like I've reached a certain "now what?"

So I did some quick research online into gender therapists, and found one nearby. I figured this would be a long process - having seen what Ceri went through to find a therapist she liked - but this was remarkably fast. I emailed an appointment request, and it was only a few hours later that I had a phone call, and an appointment for less than a week away. I honestly didn't expect it to happen that quickly, although in a way I'm glad - the suspense would have been a lot to bear.

Granted, I know this first appointment is more of a "get to know you" type of thing - we'll probably discuss Phoenix's history, and talk up to where things are at now. We certainly won't be having any groundbreaking moments, but just taking that first step seems very big. It also helps that Ceri is extremely supportive of it, even though I think she's scared as to what it may eventually mean. I'm going into this looking for some help with figuring out where I want to go with Phoenix vs WMTG, and there's a part of me that's ware that this may turn into a major life change. And I'm sure Ceri is jsut as aware of that, and she's probably scared shitless of what that could mean.

But I'm looking forward to having a third party to talk to. I feel like I've reached a point where Phoenix isn't as big a part of my life as I'd like her to be. Exactly how big is really the question - and one that brings a lot of baggage. Transitioning would mean a major change to my family - Ceri and Pidge would lose a husband and a father, but gain a wife and a mother. It'd also mean a major change to my career - a large of part of what I do is tied into my name - my education and my licensing are what got me to where I am. I'm also fully aware that I could lose my job if I transition, and that would open up a whole other can of worms - as I was looking for a job, all of my work experience and career movement would be attached to my old name, so any job application would have that "trans" label attached, which in the conservative world of engineering isn't exactly a plus.

So I don't know, is it possible to half transition? Quarter transition? Could I start hormones enough to grow breasts and gain a slightly more feminine shape, but keep the transition subtle enough that I can still play as WMTG? Is that even feasible?

Either way, my first appointment is tomorrow, so here goes nothing.
» Dumpster fire
So my plan was to come here, just to write something. Nothing in particular, but it’s been awhile since I’ve put virtual pen to paper and I had a couple things brewing in my brain.

But then I woke up to the news of yet another shooting, this time in Las Vegas. The details are still coming in, but this is what we have so far – a lone shooter, in an upper floor hotel room at the Mandalay Bay, opened fire on a crowd at a local country music festival that was happening at a nearby venue. Current numbers are 50+ dead, and 400+ wounded, but those numbers are expected to climb. He apparently had several rifles, and based on the numbers he had plenty of ammunition. The sound of the reports in some of the videos is very quick – he either had an automatic weapon, or some sort of modified rifle. He apparently committed suicide when the police showed up – they knew where to go because his gun fire set off the smoke detector in the hotel room.

I don’t even fucking know anymore. I try to avoid getting all doom and gloom drama, but it really does seem like our country is in the express lane down the shitter. We have a schizophrenic government, and a citizenry that seems to be splitting. Even if it is just a case of the fringe groups getting more fringy, those groups are more eager to be seen and heard. People seem to be more willing to be more extreme.

And as much as a lot of people like to blame Trump for this, I think he is a symptom of the problem, and not the cause. I honestly think that 8 years of a non-white president was just too much for large portions of this country to bear, and that what we are seeing is a direct result of pent-up racism coming to the surface. I know a lot of people like to pretend that racism is something of our past, but I think the truth is that people as a whole were able to isolate themselves and pretend that it wasn’t happening. If you were living in your white bread neighborhood with your white bread neighbors, you never realized exactly how much racism there was around you. I know that I certainly didn’t – between growing up in Louisville and New Milford, I was generally unaware. But now that I’m older, and living in Baltimore, and have a son that is black, I can’t stop seeing it. I’m sure that in some instances I’m seeing something that isn’t there, but there’s also no denying that a lot of people say some seriously racist shit to me, thinking that since I’m “like them” it’s okay. Racism is fairly well documented in this country, and it isn’t something that went away.

The worst part is the number of people that have grown up so thick in it, that they can’t recognize it in themselves. I’ve had people tell me that “black kids are nothing but trouble”, yet they’re the same people that think they can’t be racist, because they have that black friend. They’re so stuck in this idea that being racist means you hate *all* black people and that you like burning crosses, that they never see their more ‘casual’ racism. And when you point it out, all of a sudden you are some sort of snowflake or communist or social justice warrior that just wants to destroy America.

It really makes me rethink a lot of what I’ve known. People that I’ve always “known to be good people” – I just can’t think of them in that light anymore. It’s hard to look at someone the same way when they say that they’d think negatively of your son just because of his skin. It’s hard to look at someone the same when they say that they moved out of an area because neighbors that look like your son moved in. And it’s just as hard to admit it in myself – that I could have been like that, I might have been one of those people, that at one time they would have said something like that and I would have blindly nodded in agreement.

So, I don’t even fucking know. I feel like my country is dying, and the people I have to save it from are people that I used to consider friends and family. And I have the realization that they feel the same – that they need to save their country from people like me. That blacks, queers, liberals – that we’ll be what destroys their country.

And I dunno, I guess maybe I do want to destroy their country. Because it feels like their country comes with a giant asterisk on the promises of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” and “freedom and justice for all”. Because if sure feels like there’s a giant “as long as you look and think like me” tacked on there.

I dunno. I just don’t. Fuck.

Edit: walking and thinking about it, I realized this post kind of jumped the rails - shooter, Trump, racism! But hear me out:

I think the root cause of a lot of what's going on here is the visible resurgence and acceptance of white nationalism. Growing up, the KKK and Nazis were the generally accepted bad guys. But as of late, there has been a certain amount of acceptance for them, a rebranding of their message into "we just want things to be the way they were". It seems innocent enough, and often strikes a chord with people that take it at face value. The problem is what's behind face value - the bigotry, racism and hatred that was "okay" 30 years ago.

And with the resurgent acceptance of white nationalism comes a bit of normalizing of violent white nationalism, which brings with it a violent response, which brings with it a violent counter response. And this seems to have the effect of pushing people further away. I'm afraid it's only a matter of time, assuming it hasn't happened already, that the social fabric of the United States reached a point of no return.
» Steampunk!
This past weekend was Steampunk Frederick – a local Steampunk themed arts festival, held in one of the community theaters in downtown Frederick. Ceri, Pidge and I have been fairly regular visitors to the nearby steampunk festivals, always enjoying the opportunity to put on a snazzy costume and get out. And with the unfortunate ending of Strasburg’s Steampunk Unlimited event, we weren’t sure if we’d get to go anywhere this year, until we stumbled upon Steampunk Frederick.

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But overall, it was a very fun trip. I’d like to make it out on Saturday next time – they had penny farthing races, and looking at the schedule of events there was a lot more going on. So I’m a little bummed that we seemed to hit the less crowded day, but it was still a lot of fun, especially as an excuse to get all dolled up for a day.
» 3d printing
Last Christmas, my big thing was a 3D printer. It’s one of those things that looked really cool and useful to me - there is a lot of hobby stuff that I could use it for - but it was something that could easily be a paper weight as far as Ceri was concerned. But I won out, and was the proud owner of a DaVinci Jr.

All and all, it isn’t a bad printer – it hit the right price point, and was an entry level plug and play type of thing – perfect for learning on. The only downside was that it used proprietary filament, but that wasn’t a deal breaker – the price wasn’t too outrageous on it, and I figured I wasn’t going to be printing enough for it to be an issue.

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So I’m kind of in a frustrated spot right now, but I have a mostly functioning printer and a plan of action. I think I’m going to go ahead and finish off all my old DaVinci filament before I worry about the Hatchbox, just so that I can keep the printing going. Then I’ll just focus on getting those settings right, doing a little online research and a little experimentation, and then trying to optimize it so that I have dialed in settings that give me quick and consistent prints. And then I’ll need to figure out what to do about my spool size issue – the Hatchbox spools are too big to fit on the old DaVinci holder - but that’s easily fixed.
» It's been awhile
So it's been awhile since I've last posted, time to fix that.

So let's see. I guess part of why it's been awhile is that there hasn't been much to post about. I feel like I need something momentous or it's not worth coming here and typing it down, especially since I don't have easy LJ access at work anymore. But just because it's not momentous doesn't mean nothing is happening.

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So I dunno, I 'm sure there is more I wanted to discuss in this brain dump of a post, but I can't quite remember it. So I'll end here, and come back later as my brain sees fit.
» Theodore da Thumper
So yesterday, our poor Theo passed away. Pidge and I got home from work as usual, and when he went to let the pups out, Theo wasn't moving. Pidge yelled to me, I ran over, and pulled him out of the kennel. He had obviously passed at this point - his tongue was blue and he was stiff.

Apparently what had happened was at some point, the breaker for the A/C condenser had tripped. So we were still getting air moving through the house it just wasn't cooling anymore. So by the time I got home it was 83 degrees in the house, and that was just too much for our poor little guy. He never did well in heat (and by that I mean anything over about 70 degrees), and due to a narrow breathing passage, he'd get overheated extremely easily. But that's never been a huge problem, he was primarily an indoor dog anyway.

Aside from the fact that the three of us are now dealing with losing Theo - this is the first real pet that Pidge has lost - Ceri and I both are wracked with guilt over all the ways we could have prevented it. The night before it was warm in the house, but we both assumed it was just that our A/C couldn't handle the high heat we were having. I thought about coming home at lunch, and didn't. Ceri thought about coming home early, but didn't. It feels like there are so many little "what ifs" that would have meant that Theo would still be with us. Made worse by the fact that he passed away at home, without us there. He was probably suffering miserably in the heat. And we just can't help but know that this could have been avoided.

So this morning sucks. You never realize exactly how big a hole a pet will leave in your heart until they're gone. And he was only 7, still young for a pug, so this was completely unexpected. All the little things that you loved about him become all the little reminders that he's gone.
» Step Up! - a Midsummer update
So here it is, going into July and Step Up is still going strong. 5 months down. I'm happy to say that things are still going well at this point. I haven't kept up with the exercise quite as I'd like, but despite that I've managed to keep the weight off, and even lose a little more.

So at this point, my morning exercise routine is shot. We started summer hours at work, which means that my work day starts an hour earlier in exchange for only working a half day on Friday. I love the half day on Friday, but getting up that hour earlier means that morning exercise is out. I still walk at lunch when possible, so I haven't completely abandoned exercise.

I have definitely kept my focus on food and portion size. I actually think I've stuck with this long enough that I can call this a win, a more permanent change in habit. Don't get me wrong, I still love me some junk food, but I've honestly found that I don't crave it like I used to. We went camping this past weekend - a traditional time of eating junk, and for the most part I just didn't do it. I didn't do all the snacking that I'd usually do, it just didn't have the same appeal that it otherwise would have. So in that regard I feel like I've really hit a success - I've made the habit change that I just never did before.

And even without the the exercise, I've not only managed to keep the weight off, I've managed to lose some more. I've lost about another 10 pounds since May. My pants are stupid baggy at the waist, and I've had to punch three extra holes in my belt. I've been trying to hold out on buying new pants, as I still have more weight I want to lose, but I think I'm reaching a point where I won't be able to hold out much longer. Not a bad problem to have, all things considered.

But with the success I have had, I've opted to tweak my goals. For the longest time I just wanted to get below 200. When that started to seem realistic, I figured 185. But now that I'm closing in on that, I want to get down to 175 - which would put my BMI down and out of the "overweight" range. If I can do that and maintain that, then I'll call "Step Up" an unmitigated sucess.
» A day as Phoenix
This past Sunday turned into a big day for Phoenix. I’ve spent small amounts of time as Phoenix – usually an evening after Pigeon has gone to sleep, with the occasional special night out. But Sunday morning I was definitely feeling it, Ceri picked up on it, and the plans for the day were amenable to it. So while eating breakfast, we talked a bit and decided to bring it up to Pigeon – how would he feel if I dressed like a girl all day? He was very chill about it, and didn’t see an issue with it. His response was actually fairly classic – if Daddy can dress up, can I wear a costume too? I want to be Captain America.

So I went ahead and got dressed – basic makeup, a black, blue and red floral dress, gold hoop earrings and necklace and blue sandals. Pigeon was amusingly shocked – you have boobies!?!? – but I’d do my best to truthfully explain what I was doing.

And once dressed, I spent the day as Phoenix. I went to pick up Blindfury and his lady for a day at our place, I had to run out and get ice, and after taking Blindfury and his honey home, I ran out to the grocery store to pick up a few things. And the day was as uneventful as you’d expect from a Sunday – Blindfury’s dice luck still sucked, Ceri’s dinner was still fantastic – it was a very good day. I know I had some voice consistency issues, and there were definitely some pronoun/name mistakes, but that’s all going to be expected – this is going to be a process that I’m going to need to be patient through.

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But all said and done, it was a very positive experience for me. I feel like I was able to stick with it through the entire day, and was 100% comfortable with being in front of Pigeon, and with going out. I know that Ceri still has her concerns – and I’d be a fool if I thought life as non-binary didn’t have it’s safety concerns. But I think that every day as Phoenix provides her with a bit more comfort, and as her comfort increases I can make more dramatic changes. Her comfort level has already increased notably, which gives me a lot of hope.

I also have a therapist appointment coming up, which should be interesting. The appointment is primarily to discuss the issues Ceri had had lately, but I also know that it’ll be important to bring up my life changes, especially since they are interrelated. I’ll be curious to hear what she has to say, to get an entirely independent view on what I am doing and what I should do. But that’s another two weeks, so we’ll see.
» D-Day, and World War Two Weekend
Today marks the 73rd anniversary of D-Day, and comes just a couple days after our trip to World War Two Weekend at the Reading Airfield. As seems to be the case lately, this got my mind wandering.

I’ve always loved World War Two history. In middle school and high school, it was a staple of my gaming and hobby interests – building model tanks and playing Axis and Allies, I was fascinated by the metal beasts of war. I still have that love, but now at 42, and with a son, it takes on a significantly different tone.

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I think that love of military history is just stuck in my blood, and I’m fortunate that this is something that Ceri and Pidge also enjoy. I very much look forward to going back to Reading next year.
» Memorial Day
So, I’ve been feeling a little reflective after this weekend.

For Memorial Day, we all went up to visit R – a long time friend of Ceri’s – up in PA. She lives in Beaver, a small town about 45 minutes past Pittsburgh, the sort of small town America that you find in a Norman Rockwell painting. R’s house is two blocks off of the main street, which has the usual assortment of little shops, churches, banks, and municipal buildings. We had an absolutely fantastic weekend – Pidge enjoyed playing with R’s children E and A, we spent a lot of time chatting with R, and caught the local Memorial Day parade. A lovely weekend in every aspect.

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So I dunno. I really did have a great weekend, and I don’t want my mini ramble to imply otherwise. But I can’t help but think that we’re increasingly becoming two countries, and we really need to remedy that.
» Phoenix photo shoot
As a Christmas present, Ceri had bought me a gift of a photo shoot with a friend of ours that is a photographer. The idea was to ditch the kids, Ceri would make dinner, and we'd have a fun evening of doing a photo shoot of Phoenix. I've been really excited about this - an evening to just be fun as Phoenix. It was actually a big drive to lose a lot of the weight - I didn't want a beer gut to get in the way. Even though I'd definitely be wearing shapers, the less work they have to do the better. :)

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I can't say enough how much fun I had. I always appreciate the chance to be Phoenix outside of the sanitized "night at home", and even though we never left the house, this was still a night with friends, being Phoenix. It gave me another good night of practicing my voice, and I don't know how it sounded to everyone else, but it felt very natural to me - I didn't feel like I had to put as much strain or focus in to it.
» Step Up! - Three months down.
So, three months in, and things are still moving in the right direction. I didn't push the tension on the exerciser to 5 yet - I tried it for a couple days, and it was just more resistance than I was looking for. Since I'm still doing all my exercise in the mornings, I don't want to try and do something that becomes "too hard", and easy to stop.

But other than that, things have been doing good. I've been able to keep my snacking to a minimum, and I've been able to stick to reduced portion sizes. Again, it's not in a strict "diet" sense, but more of a lifestyle change. Not to say that I won't have the occasional big meal, but I need to keep it occasional.

The only fubar with the whole thing is that I had to reset my phone, and the app I was using to track my weight hadn't synchronized since November of 2015. So I've lost record and tracking of the weight loss I've made since I started this wound of Step Up!, but I still have the results and this blog.

Going in to May, I'm now just a few pounds over 200. This means I'm officially 30 pounds less than my heaviest, and about 20 down from where I started. I'm really hoping to make a push to get below 200 this week - it'll be the first time in literal decades, and I have a physical coming up and I'd like to see that milestone before then. I'm thinking it may actually happen this week - Ceri is in Vegas for work, and I'm pushing myself a little with portion size and cutting out snacks in an atempt to push me over the mark.

And I've continued to notice changes. My arms and abs are still getting more defined, and I think I'm going to need another belt hole soon. I've also been able to wear dresses without any major shapewear underneath, and not have that "beer gut". Don't get me wrong, a good shaper still helps a lot, but at this point it isn't a necessity.

So we'll see. I'm hoping for some good results this week - 200 is a big milestone, not just in weight lost, but also in the ability to stick this out and have consistent results. This is easily the best I've done, ever, at making dietary and fitness goals, and sticking with it. Even if things peter out soon, I've still accomplished something that I hadn't been able to do in over 15 years.
» Step Up! - now just overweight
Today marks two months done in the new life of Step Up. I feel that I've been fairly successful at keeping to the lifestyle changes that I've made, and I have results to match.

As the title says, I've managed to lose enough to where my BMI is no longer 'obese', I've just slipped down into the realm of 'overweight'. Now, I know BMI has its issues, and isn't necessarily a good measure, but I still found the change noteworthy.

That classification aside, I've noticed big changes. I've officially lost 12 pounds, but that puts me about 25 down from my heaviest, and easily the lightest I've been in 15+ years. I've maintained a fairly steady pace over the past two months, and on this track I should be below 200 by mid May.

Exercise has been going well - I'm still doing 20 minutes each morning, and have gone from resistance level 2 to 4, and I'll probably bump that to 5 starting next week. Lunch time walks haven't been as consistent, but I feel that the burst in the morning is what's really having the most impact.

I've also been able to maintain the changes in my eating, which has been huge. Some days are harder than others, but I've generally been able to stick to it at work, and focus on reducing portion sizes other times. I find that I'm able to eat less than half of what I would, and while I'm not full, I'm satisfied, and that's enough to carry me on until next meal.

I've also noticed definite changes in my physique - my pants don't fit right, my dresses fit better, and I just don't feel as flabby. If I twist myself just right and suck in my stomach a little, I can even see abs. No six pack - just two at this point - but it's visible proof that I'm losing some of that fat.

So next up is April. I'll increase the resistance on the exerciser, and keep on top of my diet, avoiding the excess of how I used to eat, and we'll see where I end up.
» A conversation with Ceri
So, things with Phoenix have been moving along - Ceri has noticibly become more comfortable with her, and I've been pushing my limits as to when and how often I'll be Phoenix. But a lot has been kind of left unsaid, until last night. I think part of it is things with my parents going to shit again, and it leaves her feeling like she needs to remind me that she supports me, but it was a conversation that was coming due.

Like I've said - I've noticed a few things changing. It's been little things - she'll seem more at ease talking about Phoenix with her co-workers, or online. I made a joke about doing a girl's night out, and her response was that we don't need a group to go out. She's also been more willing to talk about getting me more women's clothes, and we've chatted about clothes and shoes for Phoenix, even when I'm still WMTG.

But the little things aside, it was still something worth talking about. Part of what we talked about was in relation to Ceri's introvertedness. She is extremely introverted, something we've talked a lot about since Pidge has come home. She desperately needs recharge time after dealing with people all day, so once Pidge is in bed it's all about winding down. I don't count as "people", but at first Phoenix did. But Ceri had said last night that she's reaching a point where Phoenix is no longer "people" - that having Phoenix on the other end of the couch is really no different than having WMTG sitting there, from a standpoint of being able to relax and recharge. She even said that she is about at that point where she gets the same comfort snuggling next to Phoenix that she does next to WMTG.

She also admitted to wanting to see more of "sexy Phoenix". When we went out for dinner that one night, the evening ended with us in the bedroom, and me sliding off the shoulder straps and dropping my dress, revealing me there in my heels and a red and black corset. She audibly gasped that night, and when talking last night she admitted that she hoped to see that again. For me that's huge - there are a lot of roles that WMTG fills, and every role that she can see Phoenix filling makes me feel more complete - one of my biggest fears is that her relation with Phoenix will be somehow incomplete.

Although she did say last night, there are still times where she misses WMTG. I totally get that - we've been together for over 20 years at this point, and there's always going to be differences between WMTG and Phoenix. And part of it also relates to the kind of fluidity of it - this isn't a complete transition, but there are going to be times where we are going in opposite directions. But then she also said that she felt guilty - like she wasn't being supportive enough, and that this wouldn't be an issue if she was a better wife and person. I keep telling her that's silly - this is a major change, well into our long relationship - and that I've been thrilled with the support she given me. I'm well aware that this sort of thing is just as likely to result in divorce, and I can't even fault that necessarily, because it is a huge change for Ceri, just as it is for me, and it's a lot to ask someone to go through. I don't think she believes me yet, but I mean it when I say that she's been wonderful to me.

The last thing we talked about was terminology - exactly what is it I'm going through? Trans or transgender doesn't exactly fit, but I'm also not a crossdresser. I've generally used "trans" as it kinda falls between transgender and transvestite, but Ceri feels it's to associated with transgender. She's used "queer", which fits, but also carries a negative connotation - almost the LGBT version of the N word. She laughed - saying that bigender really needs to be a term, because it more accurately describes where I'm at, and I think she's on to something. Because at this point I'm not transitioning, but it's also more than just wearing clothes.

It ended up as a fantastic conversation, one that I'm sure she was nervous about but I think made us both feel a lot better. I know I get into my own head sometimes and worry about things, and she does the same, so sitting and talking about it is really important.
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